Rat Trap

Dear Graduate of UGI,

 

I am the distinguished Michael 'Stage Four' Lamos, Dean of the UGI School of Medicine.

My pride for the School of Medicine continues to grow each year as we pat ourselves on the back and reflect on our groundbreaking corrupt favors, aspire for unprecedented glory, and welcome a new class of bright innovative leaders (because leaders are bright and innovative, and everyone else isn't).

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This season, you can play a vital role in our ongoing and future existence by giving back to UGI - an opportunity for you to be a part of an initiative that goes beyond our local in-community and current generation, to fulfill the circle by supporting the system that made you.

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Below are a few (and the only) highlights of the many amazing piles of tripe we accomplished over the last year.

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• We welcomed the newest UGI School of Medicine class at the White and Slightly Colored Coat Ceremony last month.

The acceptance rate for this class was an astonishing 2%, demonstrating not just UGI's increasing stature, but how many people we kept out! This astonishingly good statistic demonstrates how much wealth-worshipping a prospective medical student has to do to even get in the door.

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• This is our 209th year of Programs in Medical Education, PRIME (all of our programs have names like that, such as FIRST, PREMIERE, and TOP-DOG).

UGI proudly launched the first PRIME program a zillion years ago, with a class of students eager to address health equity issues facing a wide range of traditionally underserved populations (because inequality is normal and "traditional"; our word "underserved" shows that; and they're not even people, they're just a "population").

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• Five schools recently received the Art of Diagnosis Award, including the UGI School of Medicine.

Pooliet DickMullins, professor and really important Director of the Teaching Program of the Program for the School of Medicine Program in Medical Humanities and Finger-Painting, collaborated on the application for this award. Other people collaborated on this application too, but we just didn't mention them, because they're not a Director.

Pooliet DickMullins, because she's really important, got to say, "We are thrilled about this award because it shows student leadership (not student workers) and it develops a space for students to creatively consider the intersections of implicit bias and diagnostic error."

Her groundbreaking, epiphanic statement advances our goal to prove that all there is to the human mind is intersections full of biases and errors, and the human mind is garbage and it's not good for anything, so we should have AI practice medicine. Then we can finally annihilate the last of the human aspects of medicine!

 

These three spectacular, awe-inspiring, gigantoriffic achievements are direct results of our wealthy donors and government funding, and thirdly, the commitment from our students.

We "collaborate" with partners in the private sector and media, to advance high-impact research (as opposed to low-impact research), educate a diverse (but likeminded) health workforce, and deliver evidence-based, patient-centered care.

Remember, evidence-based is first, and the patient comes second.

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A gift of any size, as long as it's big, allows us to advance our strategic initiatives (to spread our iron fist over the entire medical field and annihilate the human aspect). More money will help us respond quickly to opportunities as they arise (to snatch up the money-grubbing promotions and increase our stature). And, finally, a new wad of cash will allow us to support our dedicated constituents where they need it the most (in both their pockets and the construction of their new offices).

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Allocate your gift to the program that means the most to you:

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• UGI School of Medicine - 7,030 applications received, 114 students indoctrinated, 6,916 people kept out

• UGI Faculty - brought in $355 million in money-grubbing research funding, a 17% increase from the previous year, demonstrating the government's increased support of our goal to obsolete the human condition

• UGI Hand-Picked Minority People - something-something year of PRIME-LC, Programs in Medical Education for the Latino Community - for the Leadership Community only

• UGI Iron Fist of Education - 10 degree/dual degree programs you have to be friends with someone to get into, 24 departments all run by leadership, 9 School of Medicine centers that overcharge somebody

 

Rip open that checkbook and join us in our effort to transform health and wellness. (We don't want to improve it. We want to transform it.)

Together, we can transform medicine into something else, and create a brilliant future of glory and wealth minus humanity!

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From the UGI Office of Annual Giving to You: Feed Our Greed and Give Us Your Big Bucks!

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    UGI Legacy Society for the Wealthification of Society

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We can't make society completely controlled by wealth without the assistance of worshippers like you! The UGI Legacy Society for the Wealthification of Society allows you to creatively consider the intersections of giving and what legacy you will create:

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• If you want to harm your kids by not giving them your inheritance, you can include UGI in your estate plans.

 

"Become a Philanthropist - Once You're Dead and You Don't Need It Anymore, Give It to Institutions That Argue on Behalf of the Upper Class!"

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• From our Greed Factory Helpdesk, you can learn how to include UGI in your estate plans and learn more about other tax-savvy ways to give. It's like a gift, but it gives you something in return.

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• You can take your (paltry) impact further by visiting our Greed Runs the Workforce Matchdesk to find out whether your employer will match your donation at no cost to you. It's a way they can both support this system and prevent that money from going into paying their workers.